Tis' a tale of the season last that I shall tell so that we remember to keep our hearts warm with warm booze in our bellies... A season when sugar plum fairies with plump sugar plums go-go dance in our heads. When we give two fingers to that old man Scrooge and that bastard Grinch, too... And say Merry Christmas to all the Whos down in Hipsville and whoever we choose!
This past Christmas Eve at a quaint little tavern in the heart of Tokyo called Heavy Sick, a humble host gathered for a holiday dose of wine, wonder and rock 'n' roll music. The halls were decked with sweaty gym socks and fake feather boas... and our imitation Christmas tree would have kicked Charlie Brown's ass! And all the boys and girls there had not a clue that the real Santa Claus would be flying in from Detroit before the night was through!
Before the crowd appeared, three bad little girls and one bearded ape were drinking much beer. They shivered in their short red dresses, yet their elfin red caps brought them much cheer. When they grabbed their guitars and started to scream, I couldn't tell who was more popular... Jesus, John Lennon or THE FEMININE!?!
Then two naughty brats crept out from backstage with messy little faces, THEEE BAT had been snacking on cakes left for Santa this Christmas Eve! To rub it in St. Nick's face even more, they played a rendition of The Sonics' classic named after him, how awful indeed!
Then as if expected on cue, the man himself arrived, Father Christmas or St. Nick... or an impostor named Detroit Dick!? He wore a red jacket too small ("Santa Love Doll" on the back it was writ) and pants too tight for his prick! Soon he was joined by a merry December cherry named MIWAROCK. On came "Santa Baby," the beloved Earth Kitt's Christmas hit, and she began to strip! Elfin in size with milky white skin, the watchers were enraptured by this bundle of sin. Detroit Rock Santa got it up once, but we all wondered if he would be able to complete his Christmas trip!
T'was a true nightmare before Christmas because BOBBY's BAR brought their lust for Halloween! Voodoo dolls, Tiki art and other psychobilly treats are what you'll find under these wicked kids' Christmas tree! Much to the delight of those gathered there, they even played an instrumental version of Bill Haley's "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree!"
Now it was time for all the good little girls and good little boys to get gifts! Too bad we could not find any, and had to settle on the bad ones and those who'd been naughty! The Stately Wayne Manor introduced once again, the man from Detroit who was in truth theee real SANTA CLAUS in Japan! He had two large bags, a green one for boys and a red one for girls, I called on those who had tickets for presents and MIWAROCK helped DETROIT SANTA distribute them. Some kids got wild ones, noisy ones, yummy ones or nothing at all and others were poor, nonetheless fun was had by all. Such is the way when you introduce Secret Santa gift exchanges to a culture where Christmas is more like Valentine's Day than a party for all!
Wrapping up the evening was the real rock 'n' roll of the STOMPIN' RIFF RAFFS, which left Rudolph and his reindeer fraternity in high spirits. Their music bid farewell to Santa who had to be on his way, yet Miku-chan was happy with her remote control toy which all night long she just had to play!
And so, this Christmas passed with much fun and celebration, and I must now add a special thanks the the DJs scooter-riding mod adventurer HARRY the HEMPSTEAD HEATH, and the legendary garage rock wildman HIROSHI SEKIGUCHI from SWANK fame! As for mys-elf, The Stately DJ Wayne Manor, I played a special brew of Christmas classics from the early punk, garage and rock 'n' roll eras as well as some modern garage punk Christmas 45s. Everyone got a heavy whiff of that eggnog and passed out on the train on the way home on Christmas morn, I'm sure!
(All Photos by John Kessler, Special Thanks!)